Pushing Death away

I have been working with death and trauma for a very long time.

It all started when I was around fifteen. In those days I was fit and used to go about on a bicycle that carried me far from home as I explored the rural countryside of leafy Buckinghamshire.

On one particular day I was free wheeling down a hill feeling the wind in my hair – when my front wheel skidded in gravel, hit the kerb, and I was sent flying over the handlebars only to greet the concrete path with my head. I remember the banging even now.

Almost fifty years ago medicine was not so advanced as it is now. I was whisked to the local hospital where they did what I think was normal then – they waited and watched to see what happened to me. I got worse – so much so I could not walk – and eventually I was transferred to the old Radcliffe Infirmary, where fairly quickly I had a brain operation for the brain haemorrhage that had been growing inside my head from that moment of concrete impact.

It was a close call – and what happened at that time has transformed my life and attitude to death.

I had what is commonly called a near death experience. I have read much on this since about how the brain causes this and how there are scientific reasons and so on – but what happened to me still, all these years later, affects me emotionally, such was the reality of it.

I was progressing down a dark tunnel – which was warm and strangely comforting, and like many others I saw a light towards which I was travelling. The light seemed to be coming from some kind of opening on the left hand side and when I got there I saw a human shaped being, a male figure. I received no introductions so had no idea who it might be – all I know is that this person said to me ” It is not your time, you need to go back”.

I have been annoyed ever since, such was the feeling of warmth, peace and acceptance I experienced there. I woke up reluctantly to discover myself in Intensive Care and alive. Three months of my young life spent in hospital.

It was this that gave me a deep interest in death and trauma. It gave me a kind of nodding acquaintance with death that has allowed me to move peacefully among those who are distraught from grief or distraught because they are about to die. Calm and peaceful, I have studied much on the subject and spent many years working in this area – the last great taboo as others describe it. I do not push death away.

However many do.

We have this strange attitude to death. During life we want to push the idea of death away – as far away as possible. It usually is not the subject most people enjoy at dinner parties.  Our grief is not handled well and we try even not to look at the experience at all, even though this still remains the only real certainty in life – that we do not live for ever.

On the other hand if death has taken place and we are left behind there is this strange ritual of paying homage to the deceased in burial and other memorials. Rather like an animal marking out a territory we leave goods for those who have gone – flowers on a regular basis perhaps – just to let them know that we have not forgotten, although whether the deceased is aware of the flowers remains to be seen. Similarly other goods are left – a bottle of beer perhaps or as I have seen a spliff for someone who enjoyed that as part of his life. It still lies there as a kind of taunt perhaps – so near yet so far.

This dilemma affects how we handle life – in therapeutic terms those who have worked on this struggle can find a sense of peace without the head injury or consequent visions. Perhaps those who push this away have a harder time, continually finding things to do to block out the inevitable.

Instead of pushing it away it would be interesting to discover a path to welcoming death as a friend we can welcome eventually, with all our hang ups looked at and our goodbyes spoken – with fear reduced and a sense of calm.

No wonder I have spent all these years working with death – a strange occupation as far as others see me and my work – but an occupation that perhaps was inevitable given that early brush with death.

Perception

Things are not always what they seem to be.

Our whole outlook on life is shaped by our experiences and how we have been raised.

When we look out on the world we do not see it exactly the same as everyone else - or perhaps anyone else!

It does make communication quite difficult as one person makes what they perceive to be a witty comment - while you feel that you have been insulted and want to perhaps physically punish them!

It is a small wonder that we can communicate at all - your childhood experiences and mine are so different.

How it affects us

We have learned about loss in our lives - and maybe only discovered one or two ways of dealing with any kind of loss - perhaps by running away, or turning to people who we think are strong to protect us ( but they turn out to be control freaks! ).

Increasing our self understanding helps us to become more aware of how we are affected - and by working with us we will help you discover more of yourself so that you can choose to act differently, rather than in the old programmed way that got all the wrong results but which we still continue to do.

Standing back ask one simple question - "Just what is going on here ??" It begins to give you a different perspective.

One thing is for sure - if you go on doing what you have always done you will always get the same result"

Grief Reactions

So just what is normal about grief?

When it hits you nothing feels normal!

Your thinking, your emotions – even your perception of the world – can change, leading to one big messy confusion and wondering where you are!

There are certain aspects that you might experience – and they tend to be common to all cultures and all peoples world wide, no matter how they are played out culturally.

Emotions

A roller coaster of emotions can hit and affect you, things like:

• Anger ( all the ‘why’ questions)
• Fearfulness ( leading to lack of confidence often)
• Things seem unreal – some describe it like being wrapped in cotton wool, being an observer while things go on around you
• Guilt ( If only …….. )
• Depression

Physical reactions

Your body can suffer in different ways:

• Generalised aches and pains that were not there before
• You might get pain in the same area of the body that affected the person who died
• Your body might give way under all the stress – so it is important to find ways of offloading

Your brain

These are just some of the effects:

• Forgetfulness and sometimes short term memory loss
• Lack of ability to concentrate and do even the smallest of tasks
• Both at home and in work settings you will possibly make more mistakes than usual

How long?

A difficult question.

Many people find the first year the most difficult but as we are all individuals we react uniquely too.

In addition if you are someone who hides emotions away then this simply makes the whole thing take longer to resolve

We aim to help you find unique solutions to your own grieving, to the point you can get through the pain and find a way forward.

Get in touch if you would like to know more.

Relationships !!

We are all in a kind of relationship – whether that be parent/child, child/parent or any other kind of relative, friend or even our boss!

When any kind of relationship does not work then it causes all kinds of difficulties.

Especially if this is part of a pattern for people where we ALWAYS choose the kind of person that ultimately will let us down or hurt us in some way.

Exploring relationships is both scary and exciting at the same time. If there is just a chance that we can do things differently then although we might want to discover what those are, we might be scared that our preferred future will simply just not happen!.

These posts will explore more about relationships – the way that our past can dominate and influence our choices, the way that our past can determine how we react as we let our “inner child” out to play!

Using solution focused ideas we can help you find ways of doing things differently and so break patterns – more to come!

Why Grief loss and Trauma??

After many years of working with people in different situations the theme of loss underpins many of the situations we find hard to handle.

We all go through loss – be that small issues or large – and depending on who we are and our past learning we react to that loss in different ways.

We intend to provide regular articles on these issues, from death to living again, from relationship loss to finding the courage to do it all over again.

The articles are based on many years work with people in different settings. They are my own personal reflections based on my own personal losses as well as loss experienced as part of my professional life as therapist.

Please feel free to comment in the posts that follow - we try to write simply about subjects that are difficult and welcome your feedback.